You know, sometimes I can be a nice person.. really, just ask some of the people that know me. Sure I can be a bitch, and say some pretty fucked up stuff, but seriously.. I am a nice person. Then there are those other times; the times that make people think "how has this person not been shot down with a lightning bolt, or burned in the flames of the dark? because I am pretty sure that somewhere out there, there is a hand basket with my name on it, and some of the people reading this will be carrying it while someone else is driving the bus straight down to the depts of H-E-double hockey stick.
For the sake and humanity of others I will all give you some pretty screwed up nicknames. I have no stories behind these names, or even a reason.. but lets just go with it.
This is a just a few stories that I hope will make you laugh, or smile. And if neither of those occur... than I am sure you will just hate me a little bit more.
Shortchange Meat and Cheese:
A couple of weeks ago I met up a couple of friends to go out and "celebrate" shortchange, while this may be a regular occurrence for most people in Fort McMurray, it was all new to me. I, the designated driver even when drinking occurs at my own house, was not prepared for the night ahead.
Around 8 o'clock I went to a friends house, lets call her "Logic", and since half the streets near her house didn't have signs or names, and I got lost a couple times on the way there, I was pretty damn happy when I pulled in the driveway. Tonight was not the night for myself to be the DD, no sir, so I cracked open the hard liquor, a.k.a Bacardi breezers, and drank myself a stiff one. Safe to say I am pretty much the cheapest drunk in history, because after the first one I was feeling the warmth and loving it.
Now you might all be thinking "what kind of fruit basket gets drunk off one old breezer?", and I will let you know that once upon a time, in a magnificent town called "George street" I use to be able to drink like I fish, I was illegal and loving it, then I got legal age and old and now I just can't do it anymore.. Fort Mac has ruined me.
I am on my second hard one when the other friend that we were waiting on shows up, lets call her Q, and then Logic gets this bright idea to give us the house tour. The house, as beautiful as it is, was my worst enemy. All those stairs and ups and downs and walking. I just wanted to sit and smile. Logic finishes up the tour, I compliment her, in what I am sure was in incoherent sentence, and then us being cool and working for an oil company decide to call the "special line" to get us a cab a.s.a.p.
With the cab called, and the jackets on, there is only one thing left to tackle... the boots. Now these boots did not have a heal, or laces, or anything to make them complicated, but they did NOT want to go on my feet! I don't' know if I was putting them on wrong, or if my feet grew a couple inches. About 5 minutes later I was standing on two feet (in boots), plastered, and on my way out the door.
10 minutes later we are in Paddy McSwiggins and we meet the fire guys there. There is nothing really all that interesting that happens for the rest of the pub, besides the fact that when we went to leave we practically had to put Mr. EMT on a lease to keep him from wandering off and to keep focused on the exit sign. Outside its cold, and even the amount that I drank in the pub can't keep me warm, who ever says drunk people can't get cold is a liar mcfibberson, because there was snow on the ground and frost bite on my ears and nose.
The group of us then decide to walk to Whiskey, which is about 10 minutes away from the nice warm pub that we are now standing outside of with taxis all around us. On the way there I am pretty sure the alcohol and cold has put me into anxiety because I got a killer pain in my chest, and what does Logic, Mr.EMT, and the rest of the crew (who are also trained in emergency) do? nothing. Finally after what seemed about 5 heart attacks and a couple lifetimes later we get to whiskey, its crowded and smelly inside and I start thinking "man... I left paddys for this? they better have good drinks here".
After about my 3rd or 4th drink the DJ gives notice at last call. Q then disappears like the end of the world is coming. Next thing I know she has 6 drinks with her and in her eyes the night is nowhere near over. at this point I am practically ready to pass out but I am afraid to touch the table with my face or fall on the floor.
Then... it was like the epiphany, everything around us was quiet and the next thing said was like words from god himself:
Q: We need a pizza... *arms forming a circle in front of her* this big!
From that point everything was dropped and the next thing I know Mr.EMT is trying to find himself in a fight and we are all nomading to the nearest pizza place. So we start walking and realize that it is too freaking cold out to be at that shit and hail a cab.
Us: We are going to Joma's. (which we could see from where the cab picked us up)
Cabbie: You must mean Cosmo's (which is a really shitty pizza place about 10 minutes away)
Mr.EMT: NO WE MEAN JOMA'S!
30 seconds later we are piling out of the cab, I am sure one of us or all of us chucked him some money, even though I don't even think the bastard turned on his meter, and into joma's we go.
Logic is the first to order, and things go way to smoothly for our drunk liking. next up is Mr. EMT, and now if you think I was plastered, this guy was me x 10.
Mr. EMT: I want a donair
Pizza Guy: What kind?
Mr. EMT: Yes
Pizza Guy: I said what kind.
Mr. EMT: Oh.. Cheese.
Pizza Guy: What kind of sauce?
Mr. EMT: Yes
Pizza Guy: What kind of sauce do you want?
Mr. EMT: Oh... Both.
And then he walks away, don't' pay for it, don't order a drink, not another word. Next is my turn, I try to make it as easy on the Pizza Guy as possible, after the fiasco with Mr. EMT i think he deserves at least one sane person to place an order, and I decide that sane person is going to be me. To make it simple I order the same thing as the guy before me, add two waters to it and pay for it. Then... then the best thing of the night occurs.
See Q is from fuck knows no where in the middle of a rock (that we all love) called Newfoundland. Donairs are a specialty not well known in this neck of the woods, so she didn't really know what she was getting herself into
Pizza Guy: what would you like?
Q: What do you got?
Pizza Guy: Anything you want, what do you want?
Maryanne: She will have the same thing as Mr. EMT and I
Q: NO I WON'T, what do you got?
Pizza Guy: we got donairs
Q: okay I will take one of those
Pizza Guy: What kind?
Q: I don't know? I want meat and cheese
Pizza Guy: so a donair
Q: meat and cheese
Pizza Guy: you want sauce
Q: meat. and. cheese.
So after Pizza guy took a hint, made up an order for her, and we all got our food, went over and sat down. Mr. EMT doesn't even have one bite taken out of his food and he is already trying to start a fight with some random guy across the seating area. Logic takes this as a time to use her good looks, femininity, and smarts to good use and goes over to talk to the guy that Mr. EMT was acting like a douche bag to, because seriously.. this guy was humungo. So Logic saves the day. After this, its all pretty black to me, I am sure I was happy, but I was drunk and I don't really remember anything. next thing I know I am at my house, walking up my stairs and passing out in my bed. The next day alot came into focus, like somehow Logic had lost her cell phone, and realized that she was going around all night with her price tag hanging off her jacket, Q had abandoned her car outside Logics house and I had a revelation that said "Maryanne you have a huge headache and a pain in your chest, don't drink ever again".
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